#KekeArticle: Abby’s Diary #11 By Fiksionist


Dear Diary,

I dropped my phone on my desk after enduring a long call from Aunty Alero. She had a reason to be upset; I didn’t tell her when I left Nigeria and she had to hear it from Ogama, plus, I hadn’t still called my mum.  I decided I will go see her as promised.

I sipped on the lime, lemon cucumber and pineapple mixture I made. The taste was just awful but I had to drink it because I was watching my weight. You see, dating a man like Jake made you keep fit. He wasn’t into cinchers and tummy trimmers because of how worried he was about the cinchers/tummy trimmers, pushing up my internal organs. Sigh. The guy is just a health freak. Instead of cinchers, I took to chopping up lime, lemon, cucumber and pineapples in large chunks, putting them in water and sipping it anytime I felt like sharing coca cola with Ngozi or Jumoke or any of the numerous names on coke bottles.

I hadn’t heard from Jake and it was just two days but it felt like an entire year. I didn’t want to call but Ogama told me to apologise. I had to apologise in a special way and I mentally planned on how to surprise him at the resort when I received Aunty Alero’s text message:

I forgot to tell you. Jumoke is coming back to Nigeria to get married. She told me since but you and your ways made me forget. Don’t forget to come to the shop tomorrow to pick up your aso ebi.  


Jumoke of all people is getting married! My people, this girl is the runs girl of all other runs girls. I couldn’t believe it. She knew all the babalawos and tricks to milk a guy dry. My heart beat raced faster and my arm-pits felt sweaty. I am not judging but gosh! How can Jumoke get married like that…before me?

Jumoke is my cousin-my mother’s younger sister’s daughter. Her mother and father died in a car crash and she was like a daughter to Aunty. The only thing was the fact that she heeded to no one’s advice when it concerned her promiscuity and Aunty had let her be after trying hard to raise her right albeit unsuccessfully.  Whenever I came for holidays at Aunty Aleros’, I would hang out with Jumoke and her way no just pure. The men she dated had to be rich, they could be ugly but the pocket had to be loaded. When I cried over boys, she just laughed and told me to develop a thick skin, to look at the pocket and not the heart. She left Nigeria with one bald headed guy but I am so sure she was getting married to someone else. So someone can marry Jumoke? Nawa o! Abigail, Jumoke is getting married and you, a man can’t even say ‘I love you too’ to you. Sigh. I took a sip of my ‘mixture’ and then picked up my phone to hear the gist myself.

“Jummy baby.”

“Baby girl whatsup? This one that you are calling I am so sure you have heard of the wedding. Before you start with your questionnaire, I heard you were in Paris.”

Aunty Alero though!Ahah! “Yes o. Just a business trip.”

“Business trip ke? Liar liar! I know that is what you told Aunty but tell me the truth because I know your broke A$$ office can’t afford that”

I noticed she now had an accent but I couldn’t decipher which because of the poor network reception.

“He is just some guy-“

“Sharrap there. A guy that takes you out of Nigeria just like that is not some guy.  Give me the real gist”

“Babe I called you so that you can tell me if this news is real abeg.”

She laughed and then told me about her husband-to-be and how rich he was and how perfect he was and how in love with her he was and how he adored her with gifts and how expensive her engagement ring was and how…

She went on and on until my credit was exhausted. I sat there for a long time, staring into space and wondering when my prince charming will ride on his white horse (right now I don’t mind a brown horse with a rusty shield) and then take me away to a land of far,far away…like Paris.

I had to talk to Jake to make it right. I wouldn’t just throw away the one good thing I had.

S3xy I am sorry about the other day. I over-reacted and I am sorry. I miss you so much.

I sent the message and hoped that it wasn’t too late.


Ogama was watching P0rn when I got home and she stubbornly refused to turn it off in spite of my appeal. But I knew only one topic could turn this stubbornness around.

“How is your ‘Get-Back-Julius Campaign’ going?”

She turned down the volume like I predicted. “Perfect. I am in the second stage”

I checked my phone again and still no response from Jake. “What’s the second stage?”

She cleared her throat dramatically and sat at the edge of the couch. “During celibacy, I am totally inactive on social media and even our usual hang outs for about a month. Our friends don’t have a clue where I am and then one day, I appear from nowhere to an occasion I am sure he will be at, dressed to kill. Of course I won’t be there alone; I will make sure I go there with one of my S3xy friends to make him jealous.” Her eyes were twinkling with mischief.

“Hmmmm…Interesting. But Ogama don’t you think you should just beg him and get over this drama?”

“Babe, you know I don’t beg men.” She bragged. “ He lost his only opportunity of seeing me on my knees and that will never happen again. Next time he sees me, he will be on his knees.”

“So I hope this your celibacy also means you will stay away from those D!ld0s.”

“Haba! Show mercy now. How?”

I was already laughing when my phone started ringing. My heart skipped a beat when I saw the phone number. It had been such a long time. I got into my room to receive the call.

“Hello Ma.”

“I heard you went to Paris” She said pronouncing the letter ‘s’ .

“Who told you?”

“I am so sorry for your soul. I am so sorry I am your mother. You travel around with strange men-“

“Why did you call me?” My hands were trembling.

“I was just wondering if he knows you killed your first child. Did you tell him?”

“Stop! Just stop and don’t you ever call me again.” I fought hard to control my tears.

“Look at how you are shaking. Murderer. I have told you to come for cleansing so that Jehovah will forgive you but you are as stubborn as the witches that haunted your father.”

“You are the witch! That is why he never loved you.”

She laughed. “You killed your child Abigail and that will never leave you until you are cleansed. Cleanse your soul. Beg the baby you abandoned in my arms to forgive you.”

With that, she hung up. I sank into my bed and my teeth chattered both in anger and pain because she took me back to the grave of a past I thought I had carefully buried.

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